Here, I capture the fragments of time that for me represent what some may deem as the inexpressible. The things unsaid. The things untold. Though this was written in the year 2015, it could have well been in any other year or in any other place or in any other situation. It didn’t matter how many times I tried to change and change and change, the story read the same. No matter how many times I tried shirking off the things that I just could not explain, there was always something pointing me back in the same direction, acting as my compass. I was drawn and pulled to self-examine and re-consider the question of faith. What is faith? What does faith mean to me? I was called by faith. This is where my faith journey truly begins. It is in the trenches; in the darkest of places where faith finally called out to me. It seemed to me as though I experienced faith through induction; faith induced. It is from this point where a myriad of questions just started to flow out of me.
It is ironic and perplexing how time reveals a lot, yet doesn't explain many things. It shows you a clearer picture of the direction that the tree decides to bend as it grows. But is it really the tree’s decision to grow the way it wants to? Or is it such that the surrounding forces help to influence or mould its direction of growth? Does one voluntarily enter into faith? Or is one drawn by faith? Can one be taught faith? Or must it first be experienced?
Before every beginning, there must first be a nothingness. Before something can come into being, there must first have been an absence of that thing. Is this not creation; a work of art?
It is ironic and perplexing how time reveals a lot, yet doesn't explain many things. It shows you a clearer picture of the direction that the tree decides to bend as it grows. But is it really the tree’s decision to grow the way it wants to? Or is it such that the surrounding forces help to influence or mould its direction of growth? Does one voluntarily enter into faith? Or is one drawn by faith? Can one be taught faith? Or must it first be experienced?
Before every beginning, there must first be a nothingness. Before something can come into being, there must first have been an absence of that thing. Is this not creation; a work of art?
‘In the beginning, when God began to create the heavens and the earth, the earth had no form and was void; darkness was over the deep and the Spirit of God hovered over the waters’ (Genesis 1: 1-2)
It is to say that perhaps a void or a ‘nothingness’ may propagate the beginning of something from nothing. Usually, before one makes a decision of change, a crisis tends to act as the impetus for that change. This is natural and very real. For me, this agent of change was experiencing a place of darkness. Out of darkness, I felt a force tugging at me to look for the light.
I felt death on my shoulder. I felt heaviness. I felt a void; a nothingness. Though heavy, it is very much a part of my faith journey, and without it, my faith would have little meaning. Though past, it is still something very much alive as I journey along this life, for one straddles between life and death every single day. Instead of looking down on my very words, and thinking the worse, I hold up my words as a tattoo to remind myself that I constantly have to keep striving towards emotional and spiritual growth and maturation along my faith journey.
As I sit down to study and review my very words, it seems to me that the only element doing the rejecting was the element of the self. I fell into the vicious cycle of rejecting my thoughts, words and emotions long before they can ever be expressed. How does one live with oneself when part of the ‘self’ is an ever-present rejecting one? It is much like the source of one’s own pain is his very thoughts, and how he chooses to process those thoughts. As I reflect much deeper into my words, another thought precipitates to the surface. Clearly, the notion of rejection may not come as a surprise when viewed from the perception of the ‘self’ deviating from the gross average or norm. That is to say, realizing that one is grossly different. Along the journey, I spotted social differences in my thought patterns, decision-making and general behaviour. The realizations of the differences in opinion conjured quite the internal whirlwind that blew up in many directions to end up feeling confused, bewildered and rich in self-doubt.
Nonetheless, there is an additional element that stood out in my mind, on further meditation. And that is the element of surrendering. The moment that I finally surrendered those imprisoning thoughts was also the moment that I was freed from my captivity. I do believe that surrendering does play an important factor when considering faith. It is the element of just letting go and letting life run its course. It is about letting the cards fall as it may and just allowing the self to experience as life happens.
So, where exactly did I find my faith? I did not find it in a church. Nor did I find it in religion. I did not even find it in my daily prayers. I found it when I was down and out. It was the only thing keeping me awake while in slumber. It was the only thing keeping me awake, period.
I then concluded, that in moments of strife and much despair, it is only my faith that holds me up. This is my testimony. I am only as strong as my faith carries me. So, I thought it much to explore the meaning of faith and what it means for my life.
Meditations
So, far away from us lies justice, and beyond reach his righteousness. We look for light but behold darkness; we long for brightness but walk in gloom. Like the blind we grope for the wall, like those without eyes we feel our way. We stumble at noon as at twilight; we are dead in the midst of our sins.
(Isaiah 59: 9,10)
In fact your immortal spirit is in all. And so by degrees you correct those who sin, you admonish them, reminding them how they have strayed so that turning away from evil they may trust in you, Lord
(Wisdom 12: 1,2)
Let anyone among you who fears Yahweh listen to the voice of his servant. Whoever walks in darkness and has no light for him, let him trust in the name of Yahweh, let him rely upon his God.
(Isaiah 51:10)
When man thinks he has finished, then he is only beginning and when he stops he is puzzled by it all.
(Sirach 18: 7)
I felt death on my shoulder. I felt heaviness. I felt a void; a nothingness. Though heavy, it is very much a part of my faith journey, and without it, my faith would have little meaning. Though past, it is still something very much alive as I journey along this life, for one straddles between life and death every single day. Instead of looking down on my very words, and thinking the worse, I hold up my words as a tattoo to remind myself that I constantly have to keep striving towards emotional and spiritual growth and maturation along my faith journey.
As I sit down to study and review my very words, it seems to me that the only element doing the rejecting was the element of the self. I fell into the vicious cycle of rejecting my thoughts, words and emotions long before they can ever be expressed. How does one live with oneself when part of the ‘self’ is an ever-present rejecting one? It is much like the source of one’s own pain is his very thoughts, and how he chooses to process those thoughts. As I reflect much deeper into my words, another thought precipitates to the surface. Clearly, the notion of rejection may not come as a surprise when viewed from the perception of the ‘self’ deviating from the gross average or norm. That is to say, realizing that one is grossly different. Along the journey, I spotted social differences in my thought patterns, decision-making and general behaviour. The realizations of the differences in opinion conjured quite the internal whirlwind that blew up in many directions to end up feeling confused, bewildered and rich in self-doubt.
Nonetheless, there is an additional element that stood out in my mind, on further meditation. And that is the element of surrendering. The moment that I finally surrendered those imprisoning thoughts was also the moment that I was freed from my captivity. I do believe that surrendering does play an important factor when considering faith. It is the element of just letting go and letting life run its course. It is about letting the cards fall as it may and just allowing the self to experience as life happens.
So, where exactly did I find my faith? I did not find it in a church. Nor did I find it in religion. I did not even find it in my daily prayers. I found it when I was down and out. It was the only thing keeping me awake while in slumber. It was the only thing keeping me awake, period.
I then concluded, that in moments of strife and much despair, it is only my faith that holds me up. This is my testimony. I am only as strong as my faith carries me. So, I thought it much to explore the meaning of faith and what it means for my life.
Meditations
So, far away from us lies justice, and beyond reach his righteousness. We look for light but behold darkness; we long for brightness but walk in gloom. Like the blind we grope for the wall, like those without eyes we feel our way. We stumble at noon as at twilight; we are dead in the midst of our sins.
(Isaiah 59: 9,10)
In fact your immortal spirit is in all. And so by degrees you correct those who sin, you admonish them, reminding them how they have strayed so that turning away from evil they may trust in you, Lord
(Wisdom 12: 1,2)
Let anyone among you who fears Yahweh listen to the voice of his servant. Whoever walks in darkness and has no light for him, let him trust in the name of Yahweh, let him rely upon his God.
(Isaiah 51:10)
When man thinks he has finished, then he is only beginning and when he stops he is puzzled by it all.
(Sirach 18: 7)
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