So now, I talk about this game of love and loss. But is it really a game? Does one gamble his whole life away? Is life serious? Do our actions have implications? Does one test his limits in this life? How far is one willing to test his boundaries, stepping into the unknown? Some persons readily step into their unknown place. Others are carried off by the winds of change. Yet still, there are others who find themselves forced to take a closer look at his life, plunging into unfamiliar pathways and circumstances. But is it by faith, that one is drawn into the unknown? Quite the scary place to be, isn’t it? Most persons work to attain their security. Others find it by losing everything that they initially thought would make them safe and secure. I share with you snippets of life in the moments when I thought life to be slipping me by.
There were many silent moments. There were moments when I would just be up in the middle of the night, wondering, just wondering what my life was determined to be. For the most part, I lived in great uncertainty. My life for the greatest while was suspended in thin air, and all I had were my thoughts. I fought with myself. I struggled to find out what I was searching for. As I share with you my words, I also am now finding out the answers to the questions that I carried with me for such a long time. As I write, I only now begin to start unfolding and unpacking the mysteries placed inside of me.
Life is full of exchanges. Sometimes we trade in losses for bigger wins. I guess what matters more is in finding out the things that one may truly value the most for his lifetime.
So, what exactly was this exchange?
Well!
After what seemed to be this long stretch and span of time, there were many things that I had to surrender. I gave up the basic means of living. I gave up the connections. I gave up certain friendships and acquaintances. I gave up life’s comforts and any other potential of conveniences moving into the future. I surrendered hopes of having any social future. I gave up the potential of having a family, because I learnt that I would never truly socially fit into any other ‘normal’ person’s world. I thought to myself: how can I ever be accepted into a family if I did not even know what I was doing with myself or even where I was heading? I was not entirely ready for more rounds of rejection and ridicule. I am a bit of a mystery to explain. This I know. I considered this much. And so, I withdrew from all engagements. I even gave up being respected by anyone. I considered my life’s timeline and how out of sync my life’s rhythm moved with the world’s timing. I lost my relatability. If life were like the game of tic tac toe, I was certainly mashing up the game with my squashes. I remember there was a time when I felt as though I entered the hall of shame. And I was high up on that list, as one may imagine. Okay! I am being silly. I hope one may sense the sarcasm. Essentially, I gave up my life.
Then it hit me...
While trying to be risk averse, I realized that I was completely driving myself towards an extremely high- risk zone. I was not imagining the high risk that I was indeed taking.
But indeed, all I was ever really doing was searching for my life, even if it meant searching for it in the deepest end of troubled waters.
In exchange for one world, I entered another and I went all in. I entered into my secret life. In exchange for the world and all of life’s comforts, I was able to receive my better half. I received my portion. I was able to receive and hold on to my God. Though I suffered many losses (both present and futuristic ones), He was still holding me up through and through. Though I can’t see Him or touch Him, He is very much alive to my senses and I willingly put my trust in Him. I surrendered my life into his Hands, stepping into the unknown. Stepping into the deep end with Him. All the while, I was receiving much of his mercy, and loving kindness. I sought after his peace. When I thought my world was ending, it was only really now beginning. My God was taking up the role as my teacher, comforter and friend. I must highlight though, this certainly never happened overnight. No! I faced many nights with my uncertainty as my midnight lover. I carried so much pain, bearing the pain of doubt. Yet still, I received just enough comfort to go through those growing pains.
He demonstrated to me that man lived not on bread alone but on all that came out of his mouth. Eventually, after a humongous deal of time, eventually, He started speaking and I started listening. I spend lots of time with Him. I practise speaking to Him in the Spanish language. I read back his words to Him in the Spanish language... with much passion and He teaches me things that I never thought of before. In Him, I learn understanding and patience. He is my patient teacher. As I spend more and more time with Him, I am noticing all the healing that I am receiving. I am starting to appreciate his true healing power. He heals. He shows me things about myself that I was initially too blind to see. He binds up my wounds. I ask and before I could say the word, He moves. I never felt Him so intimately like this before. I never felt Him so close to me before. I get to appreciate his love. And He loves deeply, yet tenderly. Nothing can beat a Father’s tender love for his child. I longed so much for a tender word. I am always in awe with the things that He shares with me in thoughts and through life’s reflections.
Then I thought to myself. I may have lost all what the world seemingly chased after, but I realized that my heart was longing for Him. He was the only one that I could receive true healing and life from. He was the only one who could feed my spirit and breathe new life into me. This was what I was always searching for. And I found Him. If He was the only thing that I gained after this wild ride of a thing called life, having strong evidence of his love and his grace and his mercy, well, that is sufficient for me. If that is all I am to ever receive in this lifetime, then that alone is sufficient for me.
A woman’s confidence is sought in her father. His words mover her. His words touch her. Without a father’s true presence, attention, sound guidance and loving support, I would just remain this little girl.
Life is full of exchanges. Sometimes we trade in losses for bigger wins. I guess what matters more is in finding out the things that one may truly value the most for his lifetime.
So, what exactly was this exchange?
Well!
After what seemed to be this long stretch and span of time, there were many things that I had to surrender. I gave up the basic means of living. I gave up the connections. I gave up certain friendships and acquaintances. I gave up life’s comforts and any other potential of conveniences moving into the future. I surrendered hopes of having any social future. I gave up the potential of having a family, because I learnt that I would never truly socially fit into any other ‘normal’ person’s world. I thought to myself: how can I ever be accepted into a family if I did not even know what I was doing with myself or even where I was heading? I was not entirely ready for more rounds of rejection and ridicule. I am a bit of a mystery to explain. This I know. I considered this much. And so, I withdrew from all engagements. I even gave up being respected by anyone. I considered my life’s timeline and how out of sync my life’s rhythm moved with the world’s timing. I lost my relatability. If life were like the game of tic tac toe, I was certainly mashing up the game with my squashes. I remember there was a time when I felt as though I entered the hall of shame. And I was high up on that list, as one may imagine. Okay! I am being silly. I hope one may sense the sarcasm. Essentially, I gave up my life.
Then it hit me...
While trying to be risk averse, I realized that I was completely driving myself towards an extremely high- risk zone. I was not imagining the high risk that I was indeed taking.
But indeed, all I was ever really doing was searching for my life, even if it meant searching for it in the deepest end of troubled waters.
In exchange for one world, I entered another and I went all in. I entered into my secret life. In exchange for the world and all of life’s comforts, I was able to receive my better half. I received my portion. I was able to receive and hold on to my God. Though I suffered many losses (both present and futuristic ones), He was still holding me up through and through. Though I can’t see Him or touch Him, He is very much alive to my senses and I willingly put my trust in Him. I surrendered my life into his Hands, stepping into the unknown. Stepping into the deep end with Him. All the while, I was receiving much of his mercy, and loving kindness. I sought after his peace. When I thought my world was ending, it was only really now beginning. My God was taking up the role as my teacher, comforter and friend. I must highlight though, this certainly never happened overnight. No! I faced many nights with my uncertainty as my midnight lover. I carried so much pain, bearing the pain of doubt. Yet still, I received just enough comfort to go through those growing pains.
He demonstrated to me that man lived not on bread alone but on all that came out of his mouth. Eventually, after a humongous deal of time, eventually, He started speaking and I started listening. I spend lots of time with Him. I practise speaking to Him in the Spanish language. I read back his words to Him in the Spanish language... with much passion and He teaches me things that I never thought of before. In Him, I learn understanding and patience. He is my patient teacher. As I spend more and more time with Him, I am noticing all the healing that I am receiving. I am starting to appreciate his true healing power. He heals. He shows me things about myself that I was initially too blind to see. He binds up my wounds. I ask and before I could say the word, He moves. I never felt Him so intimately like this before. I never felt Him so close to me before. I get to appreciate his love. And He loves deeply, yet tenderly. Nothing can beat a Father’s tender love for his child. I longed so much for a tender word. I am always in awe with the things that He shares with me in thoughts and through life’s reflections.
Then I thought to myself. I may have lost all what the world seemingly chased after, but I realized that my heart was longing for Him. He was the only one that I could receive true healing and life from. He was the only one who could feed my spirit and breathe new life into me. This was what I was always searching for. And I found Him. If He was the only thing that I gained after this wild ride of a thing called life, having strong evidence of his love and his grace and his mercy, well, that is sufficient for me. If that is all I am to ever receive in this lifetime, then that alone is sufficient for me.
A woman’s confidence is sought in her father. His words mover her. His words touch her. Without a father’s true presence, attention, sound guidance and loving support, I would just remain this little girl.
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