I share my love life with you. Okay, that’s a joke. I share snippets of how I viewed my life during some of my hardest moments. I take you to my dark side. I feel so emotional ;s. But I press on, challenging myself to write such things that I wish to express out of me.
During my years of training, I experienced quite the rollercoaster ride. Now, I take a look back at the older version of myself and some of the moments that I somehow was able to capture.
When you think about life, one may think their life to be segmented or somehow compartmentalized. You would think that there was time for relaxing, for reflecting, for enjoying another’s company. Back then, this was not my life. Medicine was my life. Medicine engulfed the whole of my entire being. If I was not in the classroom, I spent really long hours chasing transport. I remember waking up 1:00, 2:00, sometimes 3:00 in the morning just to ensure that I would not miss my daily appointments. I remembered the sores that lay bare on my feet, while standing on the tests of time. I saw sleep as a luxury, if that could even be called such a thing. I do remember walking strange streets in the middle of the night or early morning hours, hoping that I make it home safely. Out of everything, there was one thing that I remembered doing most of all. Out of all of my activities, there was never a second that went by when I wasn’t praying. Prayer was my lifeline to walk me through it all. I did not know during those times, if my prayers were actually being heard. I really did not know, for time went by so quickly, but I kept feeling everyday, as though I was living on the edge. There was no time to sit in a room and stay quiet to pray. No. I was constantly praying with my thoughts as I moved along in time. In those moments, I did not exercise much faith. In retrospect, I know this much. I was living in so much fear and it was that constant fear that drove my mind to much prayerful thoughts. I prayed that medical results came in faster, so that patients can be discharged more quickly. I prayed for faster healing. I prayed for speedy recoveries. I even prayed that I would be able to perform certain procedures with much skill such that I would not have to keep repeating myself. I thought to myself back then that the faster someone is able to leave, the less work I would have, and so the worries that I held would diminish. This was not the case. I did not get off so easily. As patients were discharged, somehow, more just magically appeared out of nowhere. Not to mention the exotic nature of cases that came into the units while I trained there. Though witnessing all of these, these moments were still what I considered to be the best parts. I was walking through life’s adventures and getting to hear the stories of persons from all walks of life. I treasured getting to experience and witness their healing journeys. I even made friends along the way. I got to experience life without actually experiencing life. I got to experience all of this in a small nugget of time. A really tiny nugget, but quite the experience nonetheless. Outside of those years, that is, in the much earlier parts, I was practically living in the wilderness in Medical school. Supervision was in much want and quite frankly, my confidence went with it. I struggled to find any instructions that would confidently guide me. I feared very much my own wisdom. I never trusted myself with my learning. And so, feared very much making decisions for another. I felt heavily scrutinized and would think I would be readily condemned for inadvertent errors. I started to attack my own self with how I saw myself performing. I started to hate myself for just being me.
Now I sit and ponder. Out of everything, there was one voice that I kept listening to wherever I went. And that was exposing the softer side of me. My trait of being ‘quiet’ or even, ‘soft’ seemed to be an undesirable one in the world in which I was living. I reflected on much. For softness forms a huge part of my being. I am soft. Yet, my softness was seemingly working against me and my works. I thought about this for a really long time. As I meditate, I realize that it was the one trait that I was not willing to give up. For I thank the good Lord for my sensitivity and my softness, for it was that one thing out of all things, that I could still rely on when I could find no place for being consoled. I had to learn to console myself.
It was then I considered, that what I deemed as my weakness actually became my strength for my own self. I already had a rejecting ‘self’ working within me. But I now know that I also had a much softer and kinder ‘self’ working to balance off the former. I experienced this balancing act even within myself.
But it was also in this contrasting nature, where I was able to find love. Though I swam around and played in my pains, struggles and much self-doubt, for a brief moment in time, I was able to feel and experience a type of love I had not known before. I could not explain where the source of this love came from, but it really moved me to do the things that I was able to do at that time. I saw myself doing things that I never thought possible within myself. And as the challenges grew, so did my confidence. I was in love. I was in love with life and enjoyed every second of it. I cared not for sleep, for I was fully awake in my life, if only, for just a brief moment in time. I enjoyed counselling. I really loved taking histories and writing the stories of people’s lives. I enjoyed the busy-ness of my life. I was really tired. But I enjoyed it. I felt strong. But it was this great love holding me up to do the things that I was able to do.
As I continue reflecting, it then occurred to me. Love is amazing, for in love, many works are accomplished. I now see the parallel nature of love and faith. Faith causes movement, so does fear. But so does love. Love pushes one to do the things that he initially never imagined he was able to do. It was that love that diminished my fears.
I now conclude, love is the invisible factor that helps to inhibit the inhibiting nature of fear such that faith can be disinhibited. Love is the secret ingredient to activate one’s faith. It is love. Well, I felt it. And I was very much in love.
It took me a very long time to figure out my emotions. I was already caught up in love’s rapture. But I could not understand,
_where it came from,
_why did it come
_what was it for
I also felt ashamed. I did not know how to manage that strong emotion, especially when I had no real experience of love at that time. I felt ashamed for feeling the things that I was feeling. And I reflected on much. I wanted to know love’s source. I was dying to know the source of this love.
After much reflection and misgivings, it finally hit me. THE LORD WAS WITH ME. I did not know this at the time. But I felt such amazing love because He was with me while I was sojourning in those years. This melted my heart, when I came to know this. I cannot see Him but I certainly felt Him. Even though I did not ‘know’ Him, (for I spent very little time reading scripture and His Word,) I felt Him. I felt his presence. I felt his love. When I came to this realization, I fell in awe. I was awe-struck. I could not believe that God, the giver of life, so huge and greatly to be feared was walking with me on my journey. That seemed like a really huge thing to me and as I sit with myself and go back in time moment by moment, I see now, how very much He was that close to me, but I could not recognize Him.
It is this love that I carry with me and get to experience as time moves on.
So, now I conclude, that
_Though fear is inversely related to faith
_And faith is inversely related to fear
_Love is the exponential multiplier that comes in to diminish fear and to activate faith.
I conclude further. It is by God alone who can activate this type of faith.
For God is love. He is the exponential multiplier who activates one’s faith. It is He who pushes the equilibrium more towards the product side [product = faith] of the equation, while diminishing the reactant of fear.
When you think about life, one may think their life to be segmented or somehow compartmentalized. You would think that there was time for relaxing, for reflecting, for enjoying another’s company. Back then, this was not my life. Medicine was my life. Medicine engulfed the whole of my entire being. If I was not in the classroom, I spent really long hours chasing transport. I remember waking up 1:00, 2:00, sometimes 3:00 in the morning just to ensure that I would not miss my daily appointments. I remembered the sores that lay bare on my feet, while standing on the tests of time. I saw sleep as a luxury, if that could even be called such a thing. I do remember walking strange streets in the middle of the night or early morning hours, hoping that I make it home safely. Out of everything, there was one thing that I remembered doing most of all. Out of all of my activities, there was never a second that went by when I wasn’t praying. Prayer was my lifeline to walk me through it all. I did not know during those times, if my prayers were actually being heard. I really did not know, for time went by so quickly, but I kept feeling everyday, as though I was living on the edge. There was no time to sit in a room and stay quiet to pray. No. I was constantly praying with my thoughts as I moved along in time. In those moments, I did not exercise much faith. In retrospect, I know this much. I was living in so much fear and it was that constant fear that drove my mind to much prayerful thoughts. I prayed that medical results came in faster, so that patients can be discharged more quickly. I prayed for faster healing. I prayed for speedy recoveries. I even prayed that I would be able to perform certain procedures with much skill such that I would not have to keep repeating myself. I thought to myself back then that the faster someone is able to leave, the less work I would have, and so the worries that I held would diminish. This was not the case. I did not get off so easily. As patients were discharged, somehow, more just magically appeared out of nowhere. Not to mention the exotic nature of cases that came into the units while I trained there. Though witnessing all of these, these moments were still what I considered to be the best parts. I was walking through life’s adventures and getting to hear the stories of persons from all walks of life. I treasured getting to experience and witness their healing journeys. I even made friends along the way. I got to experience life without actually experiencing life. I got to experience all of this in a small nugget of time. A really tiny nugget, but quite the experience nonetheless. Outside of those years, that is, in the much earlier parts, I was practically living in the wilderness in Medical school. Supervision was in much want and quite frankly, my confidence went with it. I struggled to find any instructions that would confidently guide me. I feared very much my own wisdom. I never trusted myself with my learning. And so, feared very much making decisions for another. I felt heavily scrutinized and would think I would be readily condemned for inadvertent errors. I started to attack my own self with how I saw myself performing. I started to hate myself for just being me.
Now I sit and ponder. Out of everything, there was one voice that I kept listening to wherever I went. And that was exposing the softer side of me. My trait of being ‘quiet’ or even, ‘soft’ seemed to be an undesirable one in the world in which I was living. I reflected on much. For softness forms a huge part of my being. I am soft. Yet, my softness was seemingly working against me and my works. I thought about this for a really long time. As I meditate, I realize that it was the one trait that I was not willing to give up. For I thank the good Lord for my sensitivity and my softness, for it was that one thing out of all things, that I could still rely on when I could find no place for being consoled. I had to learn to console myself.
It was then I considered, that what I deemed as my weakness actually became my strength for my own self. I already had a rejecting ‘self’ working within me. But I now know that I also had a much softer and kinder ‘self’ working to balance off the former. I experienced this balancing act even within myself.
But it was also in this contrasting nature, where I was able to find love. Though I swam around and played in my pains, struggles and much self-doubt, for a brief moment in time, I was able to feel and experience a type of love I had not known before. I could not explain where the source of this love came from, but it really moved me to do the things that I was able to do at that time. I saw myself doing things that I never thought possible within myself. And as the challenges grew, so did my confidence. I was in love. I was in love with life and enjoyed every second of it. I cared not for sleep, for I was fully awake in my life, if only, for just a brief moment in time. I enjoyed counselling. I really loved taking histories and writing the stories of people’s lives. I enjoyed the busy-ness of my life. I was really tired. But I enjoyed it. I felt strong. But it was this great love holding me up to do the things that I was able to do.
As I continue reflecting, it then occurred to me. Love is amazing, for in love, many works are accomplished. I now see the parallel nature of love and faith. Faith causes movement, so does fear. But so does love. Love pushes one to do the things that he initially never imagined he was able to do. It was that love that diminished my fears.
I now conclude, love is the invisible factor that helps to inhibit the inhibiting nature of fear such that faith can be disinhibited. Love is the secret ingredient to activate one’s faith. It is love. Well, I felt it. And I was very much in love.
It took me a very long time to figure out my emotions. I was already caught up in love’s rapture. But I could not understand,
_where it came from,
_why did it come
_what was it for
I also felt ashamed. I did not know how to manage that strong emotion, especially when I had no real experience of love at that time. I felt ashamed for feeling the things that I was feeling. And I reflected on much. I wanted to know love’s source. I was dying to know the source of this love.
After much reflection and misgivings, it finally hit me. THE LORD WAS WITH ME. I did not know this at the time. But I felt such amazing love because He was with me while I was sojourning in those years. This melted my heart, when I came to know this. I cannot see Him but I certainly felt Him. Even though I did not ‘know’ Him, (for I spent very little time reading scripture and His Word,) I felt Him. I felt his presence. I felt his love. When I came to this realization, I fell in awe. I was awe-struck. I could not believe that God, the giver of life, so huge and greatly to be feared was walking with me on my journey. That seemed like a really huge thing to me and as I sit with myself and go back in time moment by moment, I see now, how very much He was that close to me, but I could not recognize Him.
It is this love that I carry with me and get to experience as time moves on.
So, now I conclude, that
_Though fear is inversely related to faith
_And faith is inversely related to fear
_Love is the exponential multiplier that comes in to diminish fear and to activate faith.
I conclude further. It is by God alone who can activate this type of faith.
For God is love. He is the exponential multiplier who activates one’s faith. It is He who pushes the equilibrium more towards the product side [product = faith] of the equation, while diminishing the reactant of fear.
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