Asking me about intimacy is almost as close as asking me how many fingers you have up while I am being blind-folded.
The more I think about things, the more I realize how much I really don’t know.
I’m pretty sure that a five-year old has a way more decent response to this question.
Interestingly though, there is a fear in just being asked this question. It digs so much deeper into a part of me that I never really wished to explore. The thought of exploring gives me great dread.
So, I get out of my head for a little, get really uncomfortable for the minute and just sit with myself.
As long as I have known myself, I have always been a loner. In fact, since a child, I never believed I was existing in the flesh. I kept thinking for some reason that I was invisible. I never attached a negative emotion to this invisibility. In fact, I mostly saw it as my superpower throughout my life. I don’t actually wish to be known, seen or even heard. At least, that was my point of view growing up.
In searching the question of intimacy, I come to realize how much of an issue it actually is to have that fear and I was blown away by how common an issue it really is. There is a subtlety to it however. Most will definitely not admit or express any form of fear to get much closer to someone else. Unfortunately, they mostly find this out much later on in their married lives.
So, what does intimacy actually look like for me?
*Scratches head. I really don’t have a clear- cut answer. *Thinks for a long hot minute... For now, I see intimacy as an evolving element. How I may view it today may seem like something totally different five years from now.
In my infant thought, I equate intimacy to “knowing.”
Knowing, I view as something more that someone has learnt about something they did not previously know. Time is required to “know” something. Effort is also required to accumulate new knowledge about someone or something. You can be with someone for so many years and yet still you don’t know them. You just accept what you already think you know about them. Intimacy requires asking questions. This is actually where my fear begins. I don’t like to be asked questions about myself. I dread it. Why? Because I don’t live like the rest of my surroundings. My life is really that simple, so basic that there is very little to actually talk about. I live very lean. So, I usually just shy away from questions because I think other persons may see my life as dull or even boring.
Today this changes! I work towards changing my view of my lifestyle. Instead of hiding my life, I should be confident enough to promote my lifestyle. I usually kept my spiritual life away from my natural life, except that my spiritual shapes a great deal of my natural. I can’t actually separate that part of me. I am no longer ashamed of how I was moulded throughout my life. I choose to celebrate my life and the ways I choose to live. If someone asks me questions, I speak shamelessly and with much passion. I no longer care for the opinions.
I wish one day to grow in intimacy. But I do realize that I have a very looong way to go. But this is just a start. One tiny step to releasing myself from this shame that I carried with me for such a long time.