I scroll back a few pages in my life’s timeline to share with you this note that I have written myself:
__________________________________
“Today is a lovely day. Yes it is. Many things I have realized today. Both sun and rain can exist at the same time..but mostly taking turns to have its moment in time. Without the rain..the sun isn’t able to make a grand entrance..to filter through the dark clouds and brighten everything you see. The rain makes sure that the grass isn’t thirsty or parched..it fills the air with some renewal..watching the showers fill the sky all around..both sun and rain work together in a very marvelous way..i sit to think for a while..how each day renews one with hope..if only for a little while..a kind of magic that isn’t spoken. Some people see it. Others are too busy to notice. With every day that comes brings a lifetime of opportunities..The trouble is in knowing which one you want to let into your life.
I sit here today not really knowing what tomorrow will bring..my mind as far away in a place I would think I will never be. Trapped somewhere hoping not to be discovered. I lock myself away for a while..everyday I sit to think..how differently each day is to the other, yet everything is a routine to me..the thing I sit to ponder on.is that everyday another realization is made.just one inkLing of a realization. I try to understand why I do feel this way inside..why does it have to hurt.why do I feel that pain..the one nearest the heart.it manifests as a physical one.like an unsettled feeling. I compartmentalize that feeling..I am thinking I can tolerate it.but I keep being reminded of that aching pain..it keeps propping up..i think back on my school time..my first ache was my first failure in a subject..it was if the end drew nearer for me..my world fell apart.my insecurities came in to devour my very being.yes..thats when the pain started..first a tiny cut..then a deep wound created..never really finding its way to heal. I will never forgive myself...only wondering what if? what if I had done just enough to never fail.why me..why was I the only one.this remains for me a permanent wound..a wound that I need to tend to every once in a while before it starts to bleed again..an invisible wound..that no one can see nor touch..it just remains buried in my soul..never really surfacing..except at times to cause me more pain.that has been the beginning of many more wounds to occur.there is nothing great in what I do.it aches me to continue.but i have to turn a blind eye to the feeling.or else.i did everything to try to tend to this wound.perfected every line that I had to present.nothing will ever fix the wound created..it carried me to the place I never pushed for..i opened my bible and started reading.the words difficult to run through..not really making any sense.i sat quietly reading then rereading and then again rereading. I read it a million times....I recited those psalms a million times. I just searched so fervently for something I thought was there..but then there was a word whispered quietly into my ear..the word spelt p-a-t-i-e-n-c-e. Yes being patient.so I did wait patiently..read every line slowly..each time slowing my pace..I wanted to feel and be the people I read about. I placed myself in a different time zone trying to undersatand the feelings elicited..then slowly comfort was given to me..something like a cushion..I started to believe I lived in a bubble..that Jesus was my bubble..He was around me wherever I went..He was with me through all my journeys. I felt sad many times thinking i am so behind, everyone seems to catch on more quickly than I do..everyone knows their life and knows what they want. I feel lost in my life..but plans take forefront in people's lives..I believe I may die never knowing what this true purpose is..I know I carry feelings with me. I am at an age where I perhaps can change things around.but people have a way of failing you. I sit here today and wonder..did i study all my living years only to be considered a failure today? have I lost my meaning? or is it that i was allowed to think and search before my next journey.i don’t really know.it feels like I am in the middle of a game and I have to figure out the next few steps..in order to move to the next level.should I plunge into blind faith? and be for me whatever I want to be? I think not..for there are blocks along the way..like valves..not really opening. I can close my eyes and think for a while..but I open them i will only see what I saw before..nothing further to workwith. it seems like the only thing i really do ever do is write.my mind is forever in motion.my hand moves with my thoughts.i feel free now..for I have written my thoughts..whenever I hold back..something aches inside me..I am writing as thoughts flash through my brain. not sure what the future might bring but I must take it upon myself to start acting on the things to look forward to. I should start believing of the wonderful things that can happen to me. i really should..some of the really wonderful things in this world..aren’t even nearly explored by some.but each day means a new chance for something new.even if it means to grow closer to something….”
_________________________________________
This letter was written somewhere in the period between 2015 and 2016. Since that time, my world has been turning in so many different directions, sublimely morphing from one thing into the next. Though changing, my life has remained entirely the same. Though moving, the focal point remained the same.
As I course through the days of my life, I have come to realize one thing and one thing only. My life is a sacrifice. I simply don’t have a life. All I ever do is document all the days gone. I am as invisible as a cloud hidden into the distance, almost as a puff of wind.
There is little to no tangibility in what remains of me. I carry little substance. Whatever I think to do, suddenly disappears right behind me. This is my life and my path, so unreachable, even unto my own self. I am as much a mystery to someone else as I am to myself. Darkness plagues me all the day long. This is the course that I have chosen. I walk a very hard road.
But as I sit further in my own reflection, something else comes to mind. It is faith alone that propelled me to course this path. Perhaps then, it is no coincidence that it was in this time that I was born and my circumstance helps define the next steps that I am to take. By my own self, this would be impossible. It must be by faith, that I live the life that I live. It must be by faith, that I see the hard road that awaits me. It is by faith, that I choose this path. It is by faith, that I was born to die. Everything that is to be lived out is done in great faith. I sit in life’s truth for the moment. I wait in silence.
Oh my! And on waking up at 3:35 am on 18.12.23, this revelation only now, comes to mind:
I live the sacrificial life. I am spirit. I am already dead. My earthly life ended a really long time ago. I am just an observer. I was never meant to mingle and interact with life’s affairs. I do not live the earthly life. In fact, my nature is at enmity with it. This much I now know. Never will it satisfy me and the conditions are already set that I stay dissatisfied. Many things are only now starting to make sense. I sit in deep silence.
Every day, I find out one more detail that I did not know on the previous day. From this view, all I see is life’s unfolding. Life, indeed, is an unfolding. Well, at least, this is what I have discovered about myself. I am not only me, but I was written this way. My Father holds the script of my life and I am to live faithfully to his script. I can neither turn to the left nor turn to the right. I must set my face like flint, keeping my eyes fixed in front of me. My Father gives much meaning to the script that plays out in my heart. He knows me. He created the character of myself. I have the searching heart. I have much the investigative heart and mind. My Father kept my very life a mystery after all these years. After so many years, my life remained much the mystery. He knows me very well. In that, it can only take great faith to sit in one’s misery for such a very long time. Forever, I remain lost in wonderment. What am I to do?
What initially seemed like many directions has now suddenly turned into only one direction. Just like that. There is only one way to go. There is no other way. My Father leads me and now, I finally follow.
It is by faith, that I live.
All human beings come from clay just as Adam himself was formed. In this fullness of His Wisdom the Lord made each one unique and diversified his conditions. (Sirach 33: 10,11)
Some He made holy, keeping them near to Himself... (Sirach 33: 12)
As clay in the hand of the potter to be molded as He pleases, so are all in the hands of the Creator to be dealt with as He sees fit. (Sirach 33: 13)
As long as you live and there is breath in you, do not give power over yourself to anyone. (Sirach 33: 21)
Give due honor to the doctor, for you need him and God himself established him. Healing, in fact, comes from the Most High; the gift of healing comes from the Sovereign. (Sirach 38: 1,2)
__________________________________
“Today is a lovely day. Yes it is. Many things I have realized today. Both sun and rain can exist at the same time..but mostly taking turns to have its moment in time. Without the rain..the sun isn’t able to make a grand entrance..to filter through the dark clouds and brighten everything you see. The rain makes sure that the grass isn’t thirsty or parched..it fills the air with some renewal..watching the showers fill the sky all around..both sun and rain work together in a very marvelous way..i sit to think for a while..how each day renews one with hope..if only for a little while..a kind of magic that isn’t spoken. Some people see it. Others are too busy to notice. With every day that comes brings a lifetime of opportunities..The trouble is in knowing which one you want to let into your life.
I sit here today not really knowing what tomorrow will bring..my mind as far away in a place I would think I will never be. Trapped somewhere hoping not to be discovered. I lock myself away for a while..everyday I sit to think..how differently each day is to the other, yet everything is a routine to me..the thing I sit to ponder on.is that everyday another realization is made.just one inkLing of a realization. I try to understand why I do feel this way inside..why does it have to hurt.why do I feel that pain..the one nearest the heart.it manifests as a physical one.like an unsettled feeling. I compartmentalize that feeling..I am thinking I can tolerate it.but I keep being reminded of that aching pain..it keeps propping up..i think back on my school time..my first ache was my first failure in a subject..it was if the end drew nearer for me..my world fell apart.my insecurities came in to devour my very being.yes..thats when the pain started..first a tiny cut..then a deep wound created..never really finding its way to heal. I will never forgive myself...only wondering what if? what if I had done just enough to never fail.why me..why was I the only one.this remains for me a permanent wound..a wound that I need to tend to every once in a while before it starts to bleed again..an invisible wound..that no one can see nor touch..it just remains buried in my soul..never really surfacing..except at times to cause me more pain.that has been the beginning of many more wounds to occur.there is nothing great in what I do.it aches me to continue.but i have to turn a blind eye to the feeling.or else.i did everything to try to tend to this wound.perfected every line that I had to present.nothing will ever fix the wound created..it carried me to the place I never pushed for..i opened my bible and started reading.the words difficult to run through..not really making any sense.i sat quietly reading then rereading and then again rereading. I read it a million times....I recited those psalms a million times. I just searched so fervently for something I thought was there..but then there was a word whispered quietly into my ear..the word spelt p-a-t-i-e-n-c-e. Yes being patient.so I did wait patiently..read every line slowly..each time slowing my pace..I wanted to feel and be the people I read about. I placed myself in a different time zone trying to undersatand the feelings elicited..then slowly comfort was given to me..something like a cushion..I started to believe I lived in a bubble..that Jesus was my bubble..He was around me wherever I went..He was with me through all my journeys. I felt sad many times thinking i am so behind, everyone seems to catch on more quickly than I do..everyone knows their life and knows what they want. I feel lost in my life..but plans take forefront in people's lives..I believe I may die never knowing what this true purpose is..I know I carry feelings with me. I am at an age where I perhaps can change things around.but people have a way of failing you. I sit here today and wonder..did i study all my living years only to be considered a failure today? have I lost my meaning? or is it that i was allowed to think and search before my next journey.i don’t really know.it feels like I am in the middle of a game and I have to figure out the next few steps..in order to move to the next level.should I plunge into blind faith? and be for me whatever I want to be? I think not..for there are blocks along the way..like valves..not really opening. I can close my eyes and think for a while..but I open them i will only see what I saw before..nothing further to workwith. it seems like the only thing i really do ever do is write.my mind is forever in motion.my hand moves with my thoughts.i feel free now..for I have written my thoughts..whenever I hold back..something aches inside me..I am writing as thoughts flash through my brain. not sure what the future might bring but I must take it upon myself to start acting on the things to look forward to. I should start believing of the wonderful things that can happen to me. i really should..some of the really wonderful things in this world..aren’t even nearly explored by some.but each day means a new chance for something new.even if it means to grow closer to something….”
_________________________________________
This letter was written somewhere in the period between 2015 and 2016. Since that time, my world has been turning in so many different directions, sublimely morphing from one thing into the next. Though changing, my life has remained entirely the same. Though moving, the focal point remained the same.
As I course through the days of my life, I have come to realize one thing and one thing only. My life is a sacrifice. I simply don’t have a life. All I ever do is document all the days gone. I am as invisible as a cloud hidden into the distance, almost as a puff of wind.
There is little to no tangibility in what remains of me. I carry little substance. Whatever I think to do, suddenly disappears right behind me. This is my life and my path, so unreachable, even unto my own self. I am as much a mystery to someone else as I am to myself. Darkness plagues me all the day long. This is the course that I have chosen. I walk a very hard road.
But as I sit further in my own reflection, something else comes to mind. It is faith alone that propelled me to course this path. Perhaps then, it is no coincidence that it was in this time that I was born and my circumstance helps define the next steps that I am to take. By my own self, this would be impossible. It must be by faith, that I live the life that I live. It must be by faith, that I see the hard road that awaits me. It is by faith, that I choose this path. It is by faith, that I was born to die. Everything that is to be lived out is done in great faith. I sit in life’s truth for the moment. I wait in silence.
Oh my! And on waking up at 3:35 am on 18.12.23, this revelation only now, comes to mind:
I live the sacrificial life. I am spirit. I am already dead. My earthly life ended a really long time ago. I am just an observer. I was never meant to mingle and interact with life’s affairs. I do not live the earthly life. In fact, my nature is at enmity with it. This much I now know. Never will it satisfy me and the conditions are already set that I stay dissatisfied. Many things are only now starting to make sense. I sit in deep silence.
Every day, I find out one more detail that I did not know on the previous day. From this view, all I see is life’s unfolding. Life, indeed, is an unfolding. Well, at least, this is what I have discovered about myself. I am not only me, but I was written this way. My Father holds the script of my life and I am to live faithfully to his script. I can neither turn to the left nor turn to the right. I must set my face like flint, keeping my eyes fixed in front of me. My Father gives much meaning to the script that plays out in my heart. He knows me. He created the character of myself. I have the searching heart. I have much the investigative heart and mind. My Father kept my very life a mystery after all these years. After so many years, my life remained much the mystery. He knows me very well. In that, it can only take great faith to sit in one’s misery for such a very long time. Forever, I remain lost in wonderment. What am I to do?
What initially seemed like many directions has now suddenly turned into only one direction. Just like that. There is only one way to go. There is no other way. My Father leads me and now, I finally follow.
It is by faith, that I live.
All human beings come from clay just as Adam himself was formed. In this fullness of His Wisdom the Lord made each one unique and diversified his conditions. (Sirach 33: 10,11)
Some He made holy, keeping them near to Himself... (Sirach 33: 12)
As clay in the hand of the potter to be molded as He pleases, so are all in the hands of the Creator to be dealt with as He sees fit. (Sirach 33: 13)
As long as you live and there is breath in you, do not give power over yourself to anyone. (Sirach 33: 21)
Give due honor to the doctor, for you need him and God himself established him. Healing, in fact, comes from the Most High; the gift of healing comes from the Sovereign. (Sirach 38: 1,2)
|