Filtering through the grains of sand,
Indiscernible thoughts bring to command,
The attention, once laid to rest,
Now raised higher, no less.
Prominently seeking to be revealed,
Once buried, now removed the seal.
No telling the speed this time,
No knowing how much harder to climb.
A step in to study this maze,
Makes the mind wonder, makes the mind crave.
Lost in the wonderment of time,
Makes the most delightful moments divine.
Steady the rocks appear to be,
Yet water moving so stealthily,
Shimmering lights outline the glow,
Delicate and soft the whistles blow.
The candied colour cotton fabric,
Spindled round makes great magic,
A pause approaches, a signal sent,
Courageous moment, not borrowed, not lent,
Winds blown heavily without much care,
To indicate most heavily nature’s dare,
The rigors of time provide the test,
An examination that proves to gather unrest,
The challenge now faced, a proud stare it shows,
To highlight the facets of its many glows.
A rhythmic wind blown gently across,
To ride the waves so large and gross.
Stillness pervades,
As the storm eventually fades,
The whirlwind, once blown into my life,
The many battles of self, the times called strife.
Another wind may come I think,
Another event to make the heart sink,
Silence, the second signal sent,
The peace once granted, have come and went.
Hymns now sung in the yard with grace,
Adds a layer of strength for much embrace,
A string of hope is what I consider to be,
That lasting thing that may one day finally set my heart free.
(Written in the year 2016/2017)
Indiscernible thoughts bring to command,
The attention, once laid to rest,
Now raised higher, no less.
Prominently seeking to be revealed,
Once buried, now removed the seal.
No telling the speed this time,
No knowing how much harder to climb.
A step in to study this maze,
Makes the mind wonder, makes the mind crave.
Lost in the wonderment of time,
Makes the most delightful moments divine.
Steady the rocks appear to be,
Yet water moving so stealthily,
Shimmering lights outline the glow,
Delicate and soft the whistles blow.
The candied colour cotton fabric,
Spindled round makes great magic,
A pause approaches, a signal sent,
Courageous moment, not borrowed, not lent,
Winds blown heavily without much care,
To indicate most heavily nature’s dare,
The rigors of time provide the test,
An examination that proves to gather unrest,
The challenge now faced, a proud stare it shows,
To highlight the facets of its many glows.
A rhythmic wind blown gently across,
To ride the waves so large and gross.
Stillness pervades,
As the storm eventually fades,
The whirlwind, once blown into my life,
The many battles of self, the times called strife.
Another wind may come I think,
Another event to make the heart sink,
Silence, the second signal sent,
The peace once granted, have come and went.
Hymns now sung in the yard with grace,
Adds a layer of strength for much embrace,
A string of hope is what I consider to be,
That lasting thing that may one day finally set my heart free.
(Written in the year 2016/2017)
For me, this page is an open canvas. I sketch the things I once thought about. I reflect on my life in review. I look towards my past, that is, my younger self and relive some of those thoughts and opinions. I expose my younger self, as I work towards shedding some parts of her.
The more I stepped into my life, the more I realized that I was stepping out of it.
I saw other people’s lives moving past right in front of me. But I missed mine.
I perhaps think it is good to have dreams. But it starts to get a bit scary when you realize that you are not living out YOUR dream. Even scarier is working through someone else’s life purpose, while missing the purpose of your life. This is the secret that I had to live with for a very long time, that is, the secret of living out a double life. Outwardly I was this one person, inwardly I was an entirely different being. The inner world was contrastingly different and in exact opposition to my outer world. I had to appear strong, but internally, I was weak. I had to appear like I knew much, but really, deep down, I always thought that I knew very little. I somehow had to be visually energetic, when I am much the reserved type. I therefore had double vision. My heart spoke one word, my actions did another. One is eventually bound to crash when he loses vision and sight for his life.
When one thinks about what they would like to be in this world, most think about the titles and experiences they wish to keep. Some dare to dream to travel the world. Others think about nursing their unborn child. Still some think to grow their generational wealth. Others put much passion in fighting for a worthy cause. There is no end and no distance as to how far someone may think to dream. I think about this many a times. I really do. I dwell inasmuch within the realm of the imaginative mind. Some call it daydreaming. Others may call it wishful thinking. Some may even see no point to dreams. But when I reflect on such things, I see the world being transformed very heavily just because of the act of the ability to imagine. Without imagination, what would the world actually look like? A thought first had to come into being before the expression of such came into existence. Thoughts rule the world. But some thoughts are not always expressed. Some thoughts become expressed much later on in life’s timeline. I reflect on dreaming. I also reflect on my life’s dream. If someone were to ask me what is it that I would like to see or what is it that I would like to experience, for me, this is ALWAYS usually a very complicated question for me to answer. For regardless of whatever I think about, it usually brings me to an end-point. No matter what I think about, there is almost always an end-point to something. Suppose I secretly think it that I wish for certain things never to truly end once those things are obtained? Passion rests within, and for a passionate girl, it also means, that she never wishes for her dreams to ever really end. So, when I think about dreaming, I can only really reflect on things that I don’t ever want to truly see end.
When I think about dreaming, nature comes to mind the most. I usually am enthralled by life’s nature. When I think about dreaming, I also think about acts of service. I truly wish to be of value to someone else in a much productive way. When I think about dreaming, there is but one wish that stands out for me the most. And that is the simple dream of just being myself. I know this may seem to be quite the over statement. But a lot of my life, I have been in battle with the self and the outer world in just simply trying to be the Marisa. For the longest time, the Marisa who I have known has been batted down by the much louder voices around her that she barely had time to experience her thoughts. Contextually speaking, I grew up in an environment that always seemed strict and regimental. Discipline and respect were always at the forefront that governed most of this lifetime, bugged down by rigid structures to learn and assume. Being the ‘somewhat’ obedient type, I always found myself listening to the much external voices, while silencing the inner one. I learned to listen more and speak less. I spent more time observing than participating. Most times, I reflexively worked towards keeping my being real scarce to the point of being invisible. With time, I tried to make myself as invisible to the much louder outer world, while finding hiding spots to sit and read about the things that I was most interested in, studying from various topics and categories. I felt drawn to know more, but I did my learnings in secret. Shyness grew on me, as I carried the perception that much of my thoughts were meaningless to the outer world and so I kept most of those thoughts in writing as my reserve. But as time progressed, the battle became more apparent to me. The more I lived for the world, the less spirit I felt from within, the more despair grew on me. I no longer saw the world as one, but I started to begin to appreciate the split happening between the outer world and the one that I had discovered happening inside of me. I eventually decided to choose the more internal one, but it does not go so smoothly. This is the fight. For this entails much shedding away of the outer world in order to keep the inner part for clarity and sound mind to persist. The more I shed, the more clearly I was able to see myself as I am and not so much as the world perceived me to be. I have therefore discovered much freedom in having the mind for the inner self, where most of the thoughts and imaginations reside. This is what I live for. This is my dream.
So, now I roll back the film of my life and go back to that point when I was most fuelled and enthusiastic. I go back to my first love. And that is my love for learning. I go back to the little Marisa who fell in love with the study of Chemistry, moving along in this direction; moving slowly along the way, while residing in the shadows of this life. I have identified within myself that never do I want to give up learning. But my truest passion rests in studying life’s ways. This intrigues me the most. My learning in the subject of Chemistry elevates when I merge life’s laws and truly understand and interact with and become intimate with the Chemistry of things as it relates to the human body. What is past is past. Now, I look towards merging all of my life’s learnings leaving much to explore where this journey takes me.
I saw other people’s lives moving past right in front of me. But I missed mine.
I perhaps think it is good to have dreams. But it starts to get a bit scary when you realize that you are not living out YOUR dream. Even scarier is working through someone else’s life purpose, while missing the purpose of your life. This is the secret that I had to live with for a very long time, that is, the secret of living out a double life. Outwardly I was this one person, inwardly I was an entirely different being. The inner world was contrastingly different and in exact opposition to my outer world. I had to appear strong, but internally, I was weak. I had to appear like I knew much, but really, deep down, I always thought that I knew very little. I somehow had to be visually energetic, when I am much the reserved type. I therefore had double vision. My heart spoke one word, my actions did another. One is eventually bound to crash when he loses vision and sight for his life.
When one thinks about what they would like to be in this world, most think about the titles and experiences they wish to keep. Some dare to dream to travel the world. Others think about nursing their unborn child. Still some think to grow their generational wealth. Others put much passion in fighting for a worthy cause. There is no end and no distance as to how far someone may think to dream. I think about this many a times. I really do. I dwell inasmuch within the realm of the imaginative mind. Some call it daydreaming. Others may call it wishful thinking. Some may even see no point to dreams. But when I reflect on such things, I see the world being transformed very heavily just because of the act of the ability to imagine. Without imagination, what would the world actually look like? A thought first had to come into being before the expression of such came into existence. Thoughts rule the world. But some thoughts are not always expressed. Some thoughts become expressed much later on in life’s timeline. I reflect on dreaming. I also reflect on my life’s dream. If someone were to ask me what is it that I would like to see or what is it that I would like to experience, for me, this is ALWAYS usually a very complicated question for me to answer. For regardless of whatever I think about, it usually brings me to an end-point. No matter what I think about, there is almost always an end-point to something. Suppose I secretly think it that I wish for certain things never to truly end once those things are obtained? Passion rests within, and for a passionate girl, it also means, that she never wishes for her dreams to ever really end. So, when I think about dreaming, I can only really reflect on things that I don’t ever want to truly see end.
When I think about dreaming, nature comes to mind the most. I usually am enthralled by life’s nature. When I think about dreaming, I also think about acts of service. I truly wish to be of value to someone else in a much productive way. When I think about dreaming, there is but one wish that stands out for me the most. And that is the simple dream of just being myself. I know this may seem to be quite the over statement. But a lot of my life, I have been in battle with the self and the outer world in just simply trying to be the Marisa. For the longest time, the Marisa who I have known has been batted down by the much louder voices around her that she barely had time to experience her thoughts. Contextually speaking, I grew up in an environment that always seemed strict and regimental. Discipline and respect were always at the forefront that governed most of this lifetime, bugged down by rigid structures to learn and assume. Being the ‘somewhat’ obedient type, I always found myself listening to the much external voices, while silencing the inner one. I learned to listen more and speak less. I spent more time observing than participating. Most times, I reflexively worked towards keeping my being real scarce to the point of being invisible. With time, I tried to make myself as invisible to the much louder outer world, while finding hiding spots to sit and read about the things that I was most interested in, studying from various topics and categories. I felt drawn to know more, but I did my learnings in secret. Shyness grew on me, as I carried the perception that much of my thoughts were meaningless to the outer world and so I kept most of those thoughts in writing as my reserve. But as time progressed, the battle became more apparent to me. The more I lived for the world, the less spirit I felt from within, the more despair grew on me. I no longer saw the world as one, but I started to begin to appreciate the split happening between the outer world and the one that I had discovered happening inside of me. I eventually decided to choose the more internal one, but it does not go so smoothly. This is the fight. For this entails much shedding away of the outer world in order to keep the inner part for clarity and sound mind to persist. The more I shed, the more clearly I was able to see myself as I am and not so much as the world perceived me to be. I have therefore discovered much freedom in having the mind for the inner self, where most of the thoughts and imaginations reside. This is what I live for. This is my dream.
So, now I roll back the film of my life and go back to that point when I was most fuelled and enthusiastic. I go back to my first love. And that is my love for learning. I go back to the little Marisa who fell in love with the study of Chemistry, moving along in this direction; moving slowly along the way, while residing in the shadows of this life. I have identified within myself that never do I want to give up learning. But my truest passion rests in studying life’s ways. This intrigues me the most. My learning in the subject of Chemistry elevates when I merge life’s laws and truly understand and interact with and become intimate with the Chemistry of things as it relates to the human body. What is past is past. Now, I look towards merging all of my life’s learnings leaving much to explore where this journey takes me.
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